Enemies With Benefits
by RainbowSparkli
Summary: A year after Kyle and Cartman get together, Kyle starts to wonder how Cartman really feels about him.  Multi-chapter.
1. Chapter 1

He never takes his shirt off when we have sex.

He knows it drives me crazy that I still haven't fully seen his body, after an entire year of being..., well whatever it is that we are. I don't know if I can quite call it being together. But despite knowing it drives me up the wall, he still won't bend. I've tried absolutely everything to get him to take it off. Sneak attacks, coaxing, begging, sexual favors, nothing works. And every single time I'm close to finally just ripping his shirt off of his body, he captures my hands above my head with a single fist and then distracts me with his free hand until I forget absolutely everything.

His reason behind insisting on shirt-on sex isn't really the sort of thing that I can ask him about, but then again nothing really is. This is Eric freaking Cartman we're talking about. But I have a sneaking suspicion that it has something to do with me calling him Fatass his entire life. Had I known that one day I'd be desperate to take off his shirt, and that he wouldn't let me see his body for anything in the world, I probably never would have started the whole "Fatass" thing to begin with.

"Put that fucking gay-ass diary down and come suck my balls Jew," he orders.

Then again, maybe not.

"In a minute asshole," I toss back.

Leaving his shirt on is one of the two unspoken Cartman rules that govern our "thing". The other is that he holds all the cards. He would call it having "authoritah". What that means basically, is that everything that happens with us sexually is his decision. He doesn't call before randomly breaking into my bedroom window a few nights a week and climbing in. I once asked him why he comes in that way, when obviously he could just ring my apartment's buzzer like a normal person, but he just shrugged and said, "I've been coming through your window your whole life Jew." Sometimes I think he'll still be doing this when we get really old, grumbling about a bad back but still fancying himself a "super-coo cat burglar." So, I leave the window unlocked for him now, and whenever he's in the mood he comes by and climbs into bed with me. Sometimes he spends the entire night with me, but sometimes he leaves right when I'm desperate to curl up with him and fall asleep in his arms. Every once in a while I let myself wonder where he is the other nights of the week, if he's sneaking into other willing peoples bedrooms, or if I'm the only one. Thinking that I might just be someone in the regular rotation of say, Butters, or other people, makes my stomach feel all weird and heavy, so I try not to let myself think about it too much, but lately it's constantly been on my mind. Where is he when he's not with me? It's not like he ever calls, so the only time I ever really know where he is, is when we're together. I mean it's not like I'm expecting him to constantly check in with me, but at the very least, he could call before he comes over. Sure, I'm always willing when he comes by, and he knows that, but he shouldn't just expect me to always be.

I put down my journal.

"You could call you know," I tell him.

"Call?"

"Yeah, you know like before you come over."

"What would be the hell point in that Jew?"

"Oh, I don't know, you know, maybe to see if I'm home or not," I tell him.

He looks at me like I'm crazy.

"Erm right, except I can see you're home when I come over and see you in your bed Kahl," he says this super slowly, as if he's talking to someone mentally disabled.

"ARGH! Fuck seeing if I'm home, you could call in-freaking general asshole!"

"That is so gay Kahl, so so gay man."

"Ugh, Fucking forget it," I scream. He is so fucking exasperating!

"Come here Kahl, I'll help you get the sand out of your vagina."

"I DO NOT HAVE-" Cartman crosses the room and sticks his tongue down my throat, effectively cutting me off, and pulls me hard up against him.

I kiss him back, dropping it for now, wrapping my arms around him.

Arguing with him always riles me up. In a twisted way, arguing is our kind of foreplay, so we've basically had an entire lifetime of foreplay and built up sexual frustration with no release. Which is why when we finally got together it was so explosive, and why I know it always will be. I don't think it could ever be this explosive with anyone else, because no one else unleashes this particular brand of channeled rage from me. I guess that's one thing you can say for Cartman. He makes me seriously hot.

I'm still kissing him when his mouth does this little twitch and he starts chuckling.

"Call you," he murmurs against my lips, still laughing, "Seriouslah Kahl, you kill me."

"FUCK YOU FATASS!"

"With pleasure, Jew"

And that is the end of that discussion.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The next day I'm at work, pretending to check my email, while my mind is racing thinking about last night.

After an insane several hours, Cartman had his arms around me and I was about to fall asleep curled up into him, when I heard his cell phone beep with a text message. He unwrapped one of his arms from around me and stretched over to my nightstand to grab and check his phone.

After a few seconds of reading it, he rolled away from me and got out of bed, grabbing his assorted clothing from around my room and hurriedly putting them on.

I wanted to ask him where he was going, but I wasn't sure he'd tell me, and even if he did tell me, I was a little scared of what the answer would be, so I didn't ask.

When he was dressed, he bent down and kissed my lips super-fast.

"Bye Jew," and then he left.

Now I was sitting at work wondering where the hell he'd left to, with my mind churning up constant images of Butters and him tangled up in bed, wearing the same clothes he was wearing when he'd been with me, but even worse, his shirt was off with Butters.

We'd been sleeping together for an entire year. How fucked up was it that I didn't even know if we were exclusive? How fucked up was it that I didn't even know if he considered us to be in a relationship? Did he even like me, or did he just like having sex with me?

With every new question my mind fired at me, it hit me that I didn't have any answers, and I began to feel really shitty. Then a really terrible thought surfaced.

If Cartman was only hooking up with me, then didn't I deserve to be a relationship with someone who wanted me to be in one with me?

Someone who called me and wanted to hear about my day?

I mean sure, Cartman heard about my day, but only while he was undressing me.

What about dates? What about romance?

Was I resigning myself to a life without them? Did Cartman even want to be with me in the long-term? I didn't know. I didn't know anything.

Now I really felt sick.

I put my head in my hands and tried rubbing my throbbing temples. 'Must stop thinking about this,' I command my brain.

As I'm giving my brain silent commands, Mark, my co-worker passes my desk.

"Hey Kyle, I'm going to Subway for lunch, wanna come with?"

"Come to Subway," I repeat, trying to focus myself.

"Uh yeah Subway, I mean unless you wanted to get food from somewhere else?" he asks.

"Somewhere else," I repeat distractedly, my mind still on Cartman. Mark gives me a curious look. Mark must think I'm retarded, repeating everything he says. Say something Kyle. Yes or No, just pick an answer!

"It's ok-" Mark starts saying-

"Yes," I finally answer.

"Yes? Ok cool" Mark smiles at me.

Lately I've been noticing that Mark invites me out to lunch a lot, but doesn't ask anyone else to go if I don't go with him. A few weeks ago I started thinking he might be interested in me, but brushed the thought aside, as I had Cartman so it didn't matter anyways. But now that my Cartman world is going to hell, a lunch with someone with a crush on me might be the perfect thing.

I smile back at him, "Let's go."

As we walk out the door together I start thinking that Cartman and I have never been out to eat together. Not once. I mean, sure if you count when he locked Butters in a bomb shelter so he could come to Casa Bonita and the times we went out to eat with Stan and Kenny then ok, but the two of us have never left my bedroom together. How sad is that?

ENOUGH CARTMAN!

"So Mark, what's up?" I say, determined to sound normal.

"Actually, I was just going to ask you the same thing, you seem a little out of it," Mark says, again with the curious look.

"Nothing too huge," I reply. Yeah, nothing except my world imploding. No biggie.

He looks unconvinced.

"Ok it's something, but nothing that a Veggie Delite sub won't cure," I joke.

Mark laughs, "Ok Kyle, if you say so."

Lunch with Mark at Subway is nice. Lighthearted. We mainly talk about basketball and some of the crazy shit we've seen growing up in South Park. It's fun, normal.

He doesn't ask about what was bothering me before, and I don't volunteer any information, so the topic stays on regular things.

But then when we get up to throw away our trash at the end of lunch, Mark asks if I have a boyfriend.

He doesn't ask as someone inquiring if I'm gay or not, he asks it as if he hopes the position is open.

I pause for a few seconds before replying honestly, "I'm sort of seeing someone right now."

"Oh, ok," he says, "You mean like you have a boyfriend, or that you're hooking up with one person but it's not official?"

Actually what's been going on with Cartman fits the second category Mark mentioned a hell of a lot more than the first, and I don't really know how to respond, because that makes it sound like what I have with Cartman isn't that serious, and I don't even want to say those words to myself out loud.

"More the second category, but it's complicated," I finally respond.

"Gotcha. Just curious. Don't worry I won't bother you about it again," he says.

"No, its cool dude, don't worry about it," I say.

I wonder what Cartman would say if I told him someone asked me out today. I wonder if he'd tell me to go for it. Actually, that would be one way to get him to tell me what he thinks we are. Mark actually just gave me the perfect opening.

I smile at Mark, "Ready to head back?"

He smiles back, "Yeah, let me know if anything changes on that front though, k?"

I nod, and we both head back to the office, with me feeling a little bit lighter.


	3. Chapter 3

I don't have to wait long to tell Cartman about Mark.

When I walk through my door that night after work, I see Cartman sitting on my bed.

"Took you long enough Jew," he says.

I lock my door behind me, "This is my normal time to get home Fatass, not that you'd know being as you only come over when I'm about to fall asleep," I say, hurling my response at him like an accusation.

Cartman raises his eyebrow at me curiously.

"Who pissed in your cheerios?" he asks.

Of course I've been going through hell this entire day and he has no idea that anything is even wrong, which just pisses me off more.

"Forget it," I growl.

The truth is it's not really fair to be mad at Cartman. He hasn't done anything differently to me lately, like try to hurt me, or even really insult me. In fact he's been the same he's always been. This is all my own personal self-made hell. I take a deep breath.

"Forget it," I say again, calmer now, "What's up?"

"Ok, finally! I thought you'd never ask. So I won that bitch of a court case today! I mean I like literally had the entire jury eating out of my hand. Man what a thrill! It never gets old!"

Of course manipulative Cartman found his perfect career choice in becoming a criminal defense attorney. The juries love him and he's manipulated his way into winning several un-winnable cases for his clients. Which equals fame and notoriety, and Cartman's never been one to pass those up.

Whenever I see him in our local paper after a court victory, I feel really proud. Sometimes I wish I could clip out the stories to save them but that would be really gay and Cartman would make fun of me if he ever saw them, so I usually just sorta hug my newspaper with a smile and congratulate him when I see him. He is amazing at what he does, and part of me likes to credit myself with helping him hone his argumentation skills when he was growing up.

"That's awesome, dude! We should celebrate."

"That's why I'm here Jew!"

Ok, so that's pretty cute that he wants to celebrate with me and I guess sex is a celebration of sorts, even if it isn't quite a dinner out with champagne or anything.

I put my hands on his shoulders, and kiss his lips softly, "Congratulations," I murmur against them.

His lips curve into a smile and he runs his fingers through my hair, gently resting his hand in my curls.

I move my hands up to his face and continue kissing him gently, teasing him with light kisses, until he takes charge and crushes my lips with increasing pressure. His lips move down to my neck, and as he nips at it I let out a little moan.

"Ooh...Cartman."

He runs his thumb over the spot on my neck that he was just sucking and starts a trail of kisses down my neck, unbuttoning my shirt as he starts to kiss lower.

"Mark from work asked me out today," I blurt out.

Cartman's hands still on the button on my shirt that he'd been about to unbutton, and he looks up at me.

"And?" he says

"And I told him I was sort of seeing someone."

Cartman nods and goes back to unbuttoning my shirt. I can't believe this is when I brought up the Mark situation. I had to tell him NOW? I resolve to keep my lips pressed together, lest my brain thinks it's wise to blurt out something else to kill the mood.

Cartman slips his hands under my unbuttoned shirt and with a feather like touch rubs my nipples. I shiver and moan at the same time.

"So anything else happen at work today?" he asks.

"No," I reply

He reaches into my boxers, and asks again, "No?"

"N-oo," I say with a strangled voice, as he starts slowly stroking me.

I bury my head in his shoulder, biting down on him, as I try to steady myself, which is obviously a lost cause.

Just when I think I couldn't get any harder, he stops.

"Out with it, Jew."

"Wh-what?" I ask, my brain completely fuzzy, "Don't stop Cartman."

"You have something you want to tell me, Jew, and I want to know what it is."

"No I don't Cartman, just keep going," I say putting his hand back down where it was, but he refuses to move it.

"You think I can't tell when my Jew has a secret? Puh-lease Kahl. I can read you better than I can my own mother."

I'm still hard but realizing he's not going to help with that until I give him what he wants.

"It's nothing, Cartman...it's just I was wondering..."

"Wondering..." He prods encouragingly.

"Wondering what we're doing."

He looks at me like I truly am insane.

"I thought it was pretty apparent what we're doing Kahl," he says looking down at my erection poking through my boxers.

"Not now, what we're doing. I mean what we're doing in general."

"In general," he repeats.

"Like what are we?"

"We're Cartman and Kahl."

"Right, but like what ARE we?"

"Ohmygod Kahl, are you seriously making us have _the talk_ right now?"

"I'm not the one who wanted to talk about this now, YOU DID!" I retort.

"Wait. So the reason you've been all quietly pissed off tonight is because you want to know if we're boyfriends?"

"Well yeah, basically," I say, biting my lip, scared, waiting to see what he says.

""

"OHMYGOD KAHL MWHAHAHAHAHAH. OHMYGOD I'M CRYING KAHL. LIKE REAL TEARS. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH."

"STOP FUCKING LAUGHING FATASS"

"Ohmygod Kahl that is SO GAY. Kahl, SOOOOOOOOOO Gay."

"Shut the fuck up fat fuck," I yell, pushing him.

"You want to daaaaaaateeee meeeee, you want to marrrrry me, omg Kahl you've been watching wayyyyyy too many chick flicks. Like Serious-lah."

"Gone with the Wind is NOT a chick flick asshole. It's a CLASSIC movie!"

"Uh yeah, a classic CHICK FLICK movie."

"Fuck you!"

"No seriously though Kahl, we can't be boyfriends because I'm not gay like that. But we can still totally be Cartman and Kahl if thats coo."

"YES YOU ARE GAY LIKE THAT. YOU'RE IN BED WITH ANOTHER GUY, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT GAY?"

"Well I mean yeah, technically, I guess this is pretty gay, but it's not like Big Gay Al gay you know?" Of course Cartman the now practiced litigator remains completely calm as he utters this ridiculous statement.

"Yes," I say, "I understand perfectly."

"I don't think you do," Cartman says.

"Oh I do, trust me, I hear you loud and clear," I say resenting him more and more with every word I spit out.

"Then why are you still pissed off?"

"I'm not pissed off."

"Right Kahl, you're not pissed off, and I have no idea who Clyde Frog is. But, if I like take you out on a faggy date will everything be ok?"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO TAKE ME ON A FAGGY DATE ASSHOLE!" And I don't. I don't want to have to drag him on a date. I want him to WANT to take me out on one. Which he clearly hasn't wanted to on his own, or he would have done so in the past freaking year that we've been...yeah.

"Wait, so I don't want to go on a faggy date, and you don't want to go out on a faggy date with me, but you're mad that we don't go on faggy dates that neither of us want to go on?" Cartman asks.

"YES!" I say, getting even more pissed off with him that he's made it sound completely ridiculous that I would want to go outside my goddamn bedroom for once in our lives, like NORMAL people.

"What if we lit some of those like cheesy candles and stuff?" Cartman suggests.

'Perfect Cartman. We'll just stay in the bedroom some more, but DECORATE! Why didn't I think of that?' I think sarcastically.

"Whatever, Cartman" I say bitterly, reaching for my pants.

The mood is totally ruined. Usually when we argue it just makes the sex even better, but now I don't even want him touching me. Not after he basically just told me that after an entire year of sleeping together that he's never considered us to be a couple, that he's essentially gay by default, that he practically died laughing at the idea of us being together in the long term, and the only thing he wants to do with me is have sex. I know that I can't continue having sex with him knowing all this, as amazing as everything with us has been. The whole thing will just make me feel cheap now that I know it's nothing to him but sex. Well now that it's all gone to hell anyways, I might as well ask-

"Are you sleeping with anyone else?" I throw out at him angrily

"What the fuck kind of question is that Kahl?" he says, in disbelief.

"Just curious. Wondering if you take other people out in public."

"You're being crazy Kahl. Is this about Mark?"

"What the fuck does Mark have to do with anything?" I ask.

"I don't know Kahl, one minute you're telling me he asked you out and the next minute you're practically dying to get me to leave."

"Mark has nothing to do with anything, but you're right, I do want you to leave."

"Kahl-" he says reaching for me.

I take a step back so he can't touch me.

"Cartman, you should go."

"Kahl, stop, we can talk about this, I don't think you get what I'm saying."

I feel tears coming on so I tell him, "I think we've talked enough for one night Cartman, in fact I think we've talked enough forever, so if you're not gonna go then I am," and with that I turn around and walk out of my apartment. I don't know where I'm going, but I do know that the second the door closes I have tears streaming down my face so hard that I can't see anything.

I start somewhat blindly running, rubbing at my eyes, feeling ridiculous. Here I am, a grown up guy, crying over my stupid- whatever he is, fuck buddy? Enemy with benefits?

Somehow my feet carry me to Starks Pond, which I didn't even realize I was running to until I got there. Cartman once tried to kill me with a wiffle bat here, so it's kinda apropos. The weather is freezing and in my haste to leave of course I forgot to take a jacket and my fucking shirt is still hanging open, unbuttoned. I can't even go back home to get a jacket because Cartman might be there, wanting to "talk" some more. Thank you Cartman we've heard more than enough from you tonight.

I button my shirt, and I wipe my eyes and nose- trying to get myself together. I'm not sure where to go from here. What am I supposed to do? Continue sleeping with him for the amazing sex, even though I know that's all he wants from me? Look for a normal boyfriend who takes his shirt off when we sleep together, and takes me on proper dates? Someone who could never have the sizzling connection Cartman and I have taken a lifetime building together?

As fucked up as Cartman is, we just fit together. He gets everything about me. I don't have to explain my moods, or hissy fits, or explosions. He's seen them his whole life- what did he say tonight? Something about being able to read me better than anyone else- that true for me too. I know him inside and out, his selfishness, his narcissism, his sometimes sociopathic tendencies, his cross-dressing, his stuffed animal friends- they don't surprise me the way they would with someone else who was just getting to know him now. And someone who didn't understand all the badness in him wouldn't be able to appreciate his goodness as much. How kind he is to animals, how much he fights for things he believes in, how he's not afraid to have an unpopular view, how he always makes me laugh, how giving he is in bed, oh god in bed with him...yeah so basically, Cartman's ruined me for anyone else. Great.

But I meant what I said. Yes, we fit together, and yes he knows me better than anyone else, blah blah blah but I can't continue being with him if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I have more respect for myself than that. I wait awhile longer by Starks Pond and take the long way home. When I get back to my place I hesitantly open the door. He's gone and everything looks just like I left it this morning. I can almost pretend to myself that he never came over tonight, and everything is still normal. Almost.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

The next day I can't go 10 seconds without flashing on Cartman. Every single thing that happens to me I somehow link back to him. While making breakfast, I hear about a bear attack on the news, which instantly makes me think of Manbearpig, and him. At work everyone's talking about pooling our money for office lottery tickets for the MegaLotto, and I think of when Cartman inherited a million dollars and made Cartmanland just so I couldn't come. When the Madonna song La Isla Bonita comes on that radio, I think of Casa Bonita, and him...literally, I'm at a crazy point. There's no way I can go home right now, wayyy to many Cartman memories there. I turn my car towards Stan's block, and text him that I'm coming.

As I cruise down his block I see him hanging outside waiting for me.

He pokes his head in the window of the passenger side.

"What's up man?"

"Get in dude, I need a drink" I tell him.

A few minutes later we're pulling into the bar's parking lot. Being with Stan is already having a calming effect on me. Nothing like hanging out with your Super Best Friend when your life is going to hell.

"What's wrong dude?" Stan asks once we've got our beers.

"Fucking Cartman."

"Ooh, should have known," he says sympathetically.

"Yeah," I say, "I feel like I should've known too"

"What this time?" Stan asks.

I mostly don't bother Stan with this shit because usually any arguments Cartman and I get into are dumb and worked out the same night. Very rarely have I stayed mad at him for anything, so if Stan hears anything it's usually about a fight that has already been resolved.

"This time I'm done" I tell him.

"Are you serious? That bad?" Stan asks.

"Really bad. Last night, I guess we sorta ended up having "The Talk" and Cartman basically told me that he never saw us as being in a relationship. In fact, he thought the entire idea was hilarious."

"Wow, weak. I'm sorry man. But it's Cartman."

"I know. It's fucking Cartman. I mean what the fuck was I thinking getting involved with him? Did I actually think it would work with us? Like a serious grown-up relationship? Seriously, what the hell was I thinking Stan?"

"It was cause Token's party Kyle, it wasn't like a matter of you logically deciding he would be a good person to start a relationship with. You just went with it. And I mean it lasted a lot longer than most people thought it would. I thought you guys would kill each other the first week."

Token's party. I completely forgot that's how it all started. I mean if you can pinpoint a moment where everything changed. A bunch of the old high school crowd had been back in town for Christmas, and Token had thrown a kickback at his house. I went with Stan, thinking it would be nice to see some of the old crowd- some of whom I hadn't seen since high school days. I was sitting on the couch with Stan and Kenny, drinking a beer when Cartman walked in. I felt my mouth go dry. He looked amazing. He turned to look at me, and I can't really explain what happened but it was like I couldn't look away from him. He smirked at me and headed over.

"Hey assholes," he said, nodding at Stan and Kenny but keeping his eyes on me.

"Hey Cartman," they chorused. I still couldn't speak. My mouth was completely dry and it felt like my tongue didn't work anymore.

"Not gonna say hi Kyle?" he asked, still with a smirk on his lips.

I licked my lips and swallowed hard, "Hi" I squeaked. What the fuck was wrong with my voice?

He quirked one eyebrow at me.

I swear, it was the hottest thing I had ever seen. And I know that sounds insane.

"Gonna go get a beer. Be right back," he told us, while still keeping his eyes on me.

I didn't even try to reply. But the second he turned his back and walked away my breath let out in a big whoosh and I hadn't even realized I'd been holding it in. I literally felt dizzy. I checked out his ass as he walked away. It was nice. Oh my god, what the fuck was wrong with me? This is CARTMAN we're talking about. I just checked out FATASS. I mean not that it was all that fat anymore. More like nicely rounded- omg stop Kyle.

I looked at my beer suspiciously. Maybe there was a date rape drug in it? I mean even though I opened it myself and Stan and Kenny seemed just fine. Do date rape drugs make you check out people you're supposed to hate? Do they make you feel desperate for said people to come back and talk to you. How fucking long was he going to take getting a beer? I scanned the room for him and saw him talking to Token. Yeah, like _that's_ important Cartman. Come back the fuck over here. He looked up past Token and locked eyes with me again. I crooked my finger at him to come over. What the hell, I swear my finger just did that of its own volition. What the fuck was I going to do once he came back over? I have nothing to say to him, I can barely even breathe around him now. I unbuttoned another button on my shirt and started fanning myself as Cartman did a nod at Token and started walking back over here.

"Hot, Jew?" he asked.

I nodded. Not even attempting to speak.

"Come outside and get some air with me," he said.

I got up and followed him, still not attempting to speak.

He led me to one of Token's balconies and the second we were outside I gulped in a huge breath of air, looking up at the stars, wishing on one that I'd be able to act normal with him. I didn't dare look at him, but I felt him studying my profile curiously.

"Jew," he said a bit hoarsely, and I finally turned to him. And then his lips were on mine and he was kissing me, and I was kissing him back, and I swear it felt more right than anything has ever felt before. I closed my eyes, and let him lead, and the kiss got more desperate and harsh and then it was over, and I saw his hands were shaking.

"Kyle," he whispered.

I didn't even try to whisper anything back, I just leaned in and kissed him again. This time it was softer, less needy, but still it was like one of those fairytale dream kisses. And I knew then that I wouldn't ever be able to get enough.

"Cartman," I moaned.

I don't know how we made it to his house that night. The whole thing is a blur of kisses and touching, and clothes being taken off, and when we finally did it, it was like fireworks and I had tears in my eyes. It was like the missing piece to my whole life. Cartman, freaking Cartman. Stan's right. It wasn't logical at all. It was just this crazy feeling that I belonged with Cartman, and I went with it. I think I thought that everything would follow from that moment. That everything would be ok, because we belonged together. And I guess essentially everything has somehow worked itself out, and would have continued to, as long as I never asked Cartman if he felt the same way.

I glance over at Stan, who's texting on his phone.

"Sorry, man," I say.

"Don't worry about it, texting Wendy," he smiles.

"Are you ready to head home?" I ask. Not that I'm ready, but I feel bad to make Stan continue to sit here while I ignore him and think about Cartman.

"Yeah, if you are," he says.

"I'll cover the drinks," I say and head over to pay.

Later after I drop off Stan, I turn towards home in a daze. At least I realize now that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being with Cartman for an entire year. I mean if such a thing exists, I had thought he was my soul mate, though obviously he hadn't felt the same way.


	5. Chapter 5

That night, I'm lying in my bed and thinking that last night was the last time that I'll ever kiss Cartman. I mean unless I'm ok with a strictly sexual thing with him, which would just hurt that much more after realizing he doesn't feel anything remotely for me, like what I feel for him. You can't be someone's fuck buddy when you think you're their soul mate and expect it to end well.

I hear a soft tap on my window.

No fucking way.

I mean obviously its Cartman because no one else would be at the fucking window in the middle of the night. Do I answer the window? Ok that sounds insane, but do I? Do I want to see him? Despite everything, of course I do.

I get out of bed and pull up the shades and see him standing there. I unlock the window, even though he's more than capable of getting in, even without me unlocking it for him. But at least he's not forcing his way in, and he's giving me the choice of whether I want to talk to him or not. Which I do. Not.

"What are you doing here Cartman?" I ask him quietly.

"I don't know," he says, "I just, I mean I guess I thought I'd come by one last time."

"Cartman, it's over," I say, trying to keep my voice steady.

"I know," he says, "I knew it was last night."

"Then why...?" I ask.

And then he looks at me, and I know what he's thinking. And it's the same thing I was thinking before he came over. That we didn't know last night that that would be the last time we would ever kiss, and had we known, we would have savored it.

And I nod at him, giving him permission.

And then he leans through my window and his lips meet mine, and it's a sad kiss, full of sorrow and regret and it goes on and on and we're breathless but neither of us wants to stop because we know it will be the last time, and when we finally part, Cartman closes his eyes and looks like he's trying to imprint it in his mind. When he opens them, and I see his brown eyes meeting mine, I think the worst possible thing you can think when you've just had your last kiss with someone you're breaking up with,

"Oh god, I am so in love with him"

I don't want him to leave, but I'm also scared that he'll see it in my eyes if I keep looking at him, so I break our gaze, and look down and say,

"Goodnight Cartman."

"Goodbye Jew," he says, before slipping away. And then he's gone, and it's just me standing at the window.


	6. Chapter 6

A week of absolute misery passes before I wake up with a new resolve. I will not be in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Obviously easier said than done, but I can at least take the first step.

The first thing I do when I get to work is march over to Mark's desk.

Mark looks up from his computer, "Hey Kyle," he says.

"Hey Mark, if you still wanted to go get a drink sometime, I'm available," I tell him. Good work Kyle, I tell myself.

Mark smiles, "Definitely, Kyle."

Since that was as far as I'd planned in the speech I'd practiced this morning in the mirror, I smile and nod and head back over to my desk.

Mark follows me back, "Did you wanna try for tonight?" he asks.

"Tonight," I repeat.

"Yeah, or whenever's good."

"Tonight's good," I say. As good as a night will ever be for going out with someone random while I'm still in love with someone else.

"Cool," he says smiling.

I feel shitty. Mark seems genuinely excited at the prospect of going out with me, and my head is completely not into it. This is entirely a let's get over our ex with a rebound thing, not a let's start fresh with someone new thing. I should tell him.

"I just stopped seeing that other guy, so it might be too soon for this, but I thought why not try you know?"

Mark nods, "Exactly, no better way."

I feel a little better.

"Cool."

After work, we walk over to the bar just down the street from our office.

The second I sit down across from him, I realize that the only way I'm going to be able to get through this is to get completely drunk.

And I do.

After my sixth drink I'm ticking off the things on my fingers that Cartman did that pissed me off.

"And he never took me out for dinner, or even for drinks, and it's so freaking simple to take someone out for drinks you know? DRINKS. Drinks like we're out for drinks and we don't even know each other, no offense Mark, and I knew him my whole life and he didn't even take me. Not to mention out for food! I mean he loves food for god sakes, he is freaking mister blueberry pancakes donut surprise guy, and..."

Mark is nodding even though he obviously has no idea what I'm talking about and is definitely regretting asking a psychopath out for drinks.

After my ninth drink I tell Mark that I was in love with Cartman, but that he only wanted me for sex.

Then before he can respond I go to the bathroom to pee and throw up.

As I push open the door to the men's room, I see Cartman peeing at the urinal. I close my eyes and open them again. He's still there. I try to open my eyes as wide as possible with a little help from my fingers, because he is a little blurry around the edges but it still looks exactly like Cartman.

"Jew," he says, nodding as he zips up his pants.

"Cartman, what are you doing here? This is the bar right down the block from my work, which is up the block from my work, wait is the bar thats" I trail off, thinking I maybe told him that already.

"Are you drunk?" he asks.

"No, I'm jus a little tipsy, you know," I say as I try to walk in a straight line towards the urinal. I succeed with just a bit of wobbling.

"You are totally trashed," he says, a smile playing on his lips, "How much did you have to drink?"

"Um 9 drinks, but the last 4 don't count because they really tasted just like plain cranberry juice without any vodka inside" I tell him in confidence.

"So 5 real drinks, and four fake drinks?" He asks me with smiling eyes.

"Cartman your eyes are smiling!" I tell him.

"Probably cause you're pretty fucking funny Jew," he tells me.

"I need to pee," I tell him, as I attempt to unzip my pants. It is literally impossible. I try to hop them off, which doesn't work either.

"C'mere," he says.

"What are you gonna do?" I ask him.

"Help you unzip your pants," he responds.

"Oh ok," I say. In one like magic motion he has them completely unzipped.

"You are amazing at unzipping pants," I tell him.

He starts laughing, "I've had a lot of practice with you"

I don't want to think about that right now. "Ok Cartman I'm going to pee now"

"So Pee"

"You have to turn around"

He rolls his eyes, but turns around.

Then I find that it's impossible to aim my hand correctly to reach into my boxers.

"I can't get it out," I tell him.

He turns back around to face me. "I'll help you"

"NO! Cartman! Are you crazy? You can't touch my dick!" I say, dropping my voice to a whisper when I say dick.

"Why the hell not? I've touched it a million times before," He says.

"Yeah, that was when we were TOGETHER. But you can't touch someone's dick when you are broken up with them."

"Jew, I touched it less than a week ago, I think I'm allowed to touch it one extra time to help you pee. We'll include it in the million times I touched it before ok?

I think about that for a second. "Ok, but only because we're pretending this is last week."

"Ok," he says, standing behind me and putting his hand inside my boxers and taking it out and aiming it so I can pee. After I'm done he shakes it off a few times. A few seconds later he's still holding it.

He whispers in my ear, "If we're pretending this is last week..." and he spins me around, and God help me it's the alcohol, but I can't think of one single reason that I shouldn't do this, and our lips crash together and it feels so right, and I can't believe I'd ever willingly decide to stop kissing him, when kissing him feel as good as this feels. It's frantic and hurried, because we're in a bathroom, and somewhere in the back of my mind I know I'm on a date with someone else, and Cartman and I aren't together and we only have a few minutes and I break the kiss and turn around and he pulls down my boxers and my hands are pressed against the wall for support, and then Cartman's inside of me, and I'm biting my lip to keep from moaning out loud, but then he's touching my dick just like he knows I like it and I lean my head backwards onto his shoulder and whisper moans into his ear, and he stiffens and then let's go inside me, as I let out a final moanand release into the urinal.

As he's cleaning us both up, I tell him, "We shouldn't have done that."

"Because we're not together?" He asks.

"That, and I'm on a date right now," I tell him sadly.

"You're on a DATE right now?" he asks in disbelief.

"Yeah with Mark from work," I say.

"The guy you broke up with me for," he says.

"I didn't break up with you for him, but I did go out with him tonight to try to get over you," I tell him with drunk honesty.

"Why are you trying to get over me when you can have me?" he asks.

"Because I can't have you in the way I need to have someone," I tell him.

He nods. "I miss you, Jew"

I close my eyes tightly. I will not cry. I will get over him. In fact I am on a date right now to get over him and I will go back to Mark and start getting over Cartman immediately.

"I need to get back to..." I trail off, gesturing to the door.

"See you around," he says, walking out of the bathroom before I can.

I let just a few tears fall, before splashing myself with water and walking back out to Mark.


	7. Chapter 7

To my wonderful reviewers- thank you For the 1,000+ of you that are reading this story- thank you 2! I'd love to hear what you guys think! There will be one more chapter after this one…and nowww Chapter 7!

"What happened to you in there?" Mark asks me, concerned once I've made my way back out to him. "I was going to come in after you, but I thought that might be a little forward on a first date..." He is way too nice for me. Especially when I just fucked Cartman in the bathroom while Mark sat here and waited patiently for me. I am a terrible, terrible person.

"Mark I am really really sorry. You've been so nice tonight but it is just way too soon for me. I am way way too hung up on my ex to even think about anyone else right now. So sorry to drag you into all of this."

"Hey, we gave it an honest go, huh?" He says with a kind of sad half-smile.

WAYYYYY to nice for me.

I can't say yes, because that would be lying, so I just half-smile back with a what-can-you-do shrug and walk over to the bar and ask the bartender to call a taxi to come pick me up.

As I'm waiting outside for the taxi, I realize that as long as I'm still drunk and feeling loose, I may as well ask Cartman what I've wanted to ask him since Day 1 of our hooking up.

I scroll through my cell's phonebook, and luckily he's near the top of the list, even though I can't remember the last time I called him, because it's like a mystery maze trying to select the right persons number on your phone when you're drunk.

I click call, and he picks up after a single ring.

"Kahl?" he asks.

"Oh Cartman" I say, leaning against the brick wall outside the bar. His voice sounds exactly like you'd want a voice to sound that you call.

"Are you ok?" he asks.

"I'm fine Cartman, I mean like I'm still drunk but like fine otherwise. I just called because I wanted to know why you never take your shirt off when we have sex," as soon as the question is out, I realize that I said "have" sex and not "had" sex. "Had. I mean. Had sex," I correct myself to him.

It sounds like he's covering the phone, so I press my ear hard against the receiver to hear what he's saying, and I hear him laughing even though he's trying to muffle it.

"It's not funny Cartman. It is a very serious matter," I tell him.

"Oh yes Kahl, a very serious matter," he says, "I didn't mean to laugh."

"Soooooo? What's the answer then?"

"How's your date going?"

"You didn't answer my question," I tell him.

"Would you accept the answer, "Because it drives you crazy"?

"No," I say, "I mean it does drive me crazy, but there has to be a reason."

"Maybe it's because I have an "I heart Kyle" tattoo on my chest that I don't want to you to see," Cartman says.

"Do you really?" I ask him.

"Hmm, I guess you'll never find out," he says, "unless we have sex one last time."

"We just HAD sex one last time!" I say.

"Yes, but not with our shirts off, Kahl," He says matter-of-factly.

He has a point.

"Are you still on your date?" He asks

"No, I told Mark I wasn't ready to be dating yet because I'm still in love with you," I tell Cartman distractedly, as I climb into the taxi that just pulled up, and tell the driver my address.

Cartman does a sharp intake of breath. "Tell the taxi driver to take you to my place," Cartman says.

"Nooo Cartman. I'm way too drunk still, I'll come tomorrow."

"You're not going to want to come over tomorrow, Jew."

"Yes I will!"

"Trust me Kahl, it's now or never, do you want to see what's under my shirt or not?"

I do. I've waited a year to see. We've already had sex once tonight so it's not like I could fuck up any more than I already have in the failing miserably at getting over Cartman department. I give up.

I give the taxi driver Cartman's address.

Even though Cartman doesn't say anything in response, I can hear him smiling over the phone.

When the taxi driver gets to Cartman's house, he's waiting outside for me.

"Show me," I say reaching for his shirt.

He ducks out of my way easily, "Not here."

Then he scoops me up in his arms and carries me into his house.

When we get inside, instead of carrying me to his bed, he carries me into his living room and puts me on the couch.

"Ok Jew, here are your choices. I can take you to the bedroom right now and we can have sex right off the bat with our shirts off, or we can play Strip Poker, and you can play to have a chance to get me to take off my shirt without having to have sex with me. Your choice."

"I'll play you for your shirt," I say.

"That's what I thought you'd say," he says, handing me a deck of cards.

Within a half hour, I'm sitting naked on his couch, while he is fully clothed.

Of course he's fucking amazing at Poker but I had no idea. I should have known Cartman would never have entered a game he couldn't win.

"Hmm," he says, "So now I have one very naked Jew on my couch, who still wants to see me with my shirt off. Hmm, let's see. I do believe we still have the other option left," He says generously.

At this point I'm crashing pretty hard from the alcohol, and can barely keep my eyes open.

"Bed, Cartman," I want to tell him that I mean I want to go to bed just to sleep, because I'm too tired for sex, but before I can blink he's scooped me up, carried me to his room, and tucked me under the covers of his massive king-size bed.

Maybe tomorrow he'll take his shirt off for me, I think as I drift off to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning I wake up naked, spooning Cartman. I guess somehow my body must have found his during the night, because I definitely wasn't touching him when I fell asleep last night.

I get out of bed and go back to the living room to put on my boxers and shirt, and then head to one of the bathrooms for some teeth brushing and freshening up. When I head back to the bedroom, I see he had the same idea when he comes out of the master bathroom. He looks adorable with his hair all messed up from sleep, and I really want to kiss him.

And it's crazy, because technically neither of us is seeing anyone else, and a week ago we were kissing, last night we were having sex, and we should be allowed to kiss now, but its just really not a good idea if I don't want to slip back into things with him.

'He only wants you for sex,' I say to myself sternly. Ok, that's better. I still want to kiss him, but at least now I'm a little more determined not to.  
I take a very quick peek at his lips, which look soft and pillowy. He's an amazing kisser.

I lick mine. 'Control yourself Kyle.'

He looks at me bemusedly.

"How's it going?" he asks.

"Rough," I respond.

"You can kiss me, you know. I don't mind," he says.

"Actually Cartman," I say, attempting to ignore the comment, "I believe you owe me a look at you with your shirt off."

"Actually Kahl, I said you could only see me with my shirt off if we had sex one last time, and then I so generously gave you the option to play me for it, in which you lost, so technically I don't owe you anything unless you choose to have sex with me again, which soberly, I don't think is going to happen," he says with his litigator voice.

"So you're not going to show me?"

"No, Kyle. Some breakfast though?" He asks in his generous voice.

"You are so infuriating! You totally planned this!"

"How could I have planned this Kahl? You called me," he says all logically.

That's true. I don't say anything.

"Admitting defeat?" he asks with a smile.

I roll my eyes, and while doing so catch sight of the king size bed.

Before I can stop myself, I say, "We should have had sex in that bed more."

"We had sex in it once," he offers.

"Yeah, the first time. Not gonna be forgetting that night anytime soon," I say.

"Yeah, nothing could have ever topped that, which is probably why I never wanted to do it in this bed again," Cartman says.

I'm literally shocked. It actually takes me a moment to recover before I sputter out, "You didn't want to have sex with me here again for sentimental reasons? That's why we always had sex at my place?"

"Well now you're making it sound all gay like my bed is some sort of Kahl shrine, but essentially, yeah, and also I like your place, it's like taking a trip to Kahl-land," Cartman says.

"But what if I would have wanted to come have sex with you here? Like if I'd just shown up here to sleep with you?" I ask.

"Um duh, then we would have had sex obviously, but you never tried coming here, and I guess it just made more sense with my work schedule to just come to you when I was done for the night," he says.

"Where did you go that night last week that you checked your text and left?"

"What is this 20 questions?" he asks smirking, "You know you can't win against a litigator Kahl."

"Think back. It's important."

"I dunno Kahl, last week? Probably to check on my Mom. Usually it's that or meet with a client- who else needs me that late at night?"

Now I'm smiling, "So you never go to like, see another guy or something?"

"After having sex with you Kahl? Are you crazy?"

"So you have been exclusive," I say. He's been exclusive! I squeal to myself in my head while doing a mental happy dance.

"Kahl, who the hell else would I ever want to have sex with, when I have you? Seriously, why would you even think that?" he says shaking his head.

"I don't know Cartman, you never said anything that indicated you were exclusive, and then when I was trying to talk to you about all this last week you laughed at the idea of us being in a relationship, so what was I supposed to think?" I say.

"Kahl, I did not LAUGH at the idea of us being in a relationship- I laughed that you were all pissy about wanting me to pronounce us boyfriend and boyfriend, which is like the faggiest thing I've ever heard in my life. We're not all flamboyant gay pride parade-y Big-Gay-Al-gay Kahl, we're just Cartman and Kahl, which is like technically gay, but not the "we're boyfriends with a poodle" type of gay.

I'm beaming now.  
"I totally didn't get that when you were trying to tell me this last week," I say.

"I KNOW you didn't get it, and I kept trying to explain that you wouldn't be pissed off anymore if you got what I was saying, but then you stormed out saying it was over," Cartman said.

"If you knew I didn't get it, and you could have made it better with just explaining it, then why didn't you come after me and make me listen?"

"Number one, you left because you didn't want to cry in front of me, so why would I go humiliate you by forcing that to happen when you were already upset? and Number two, you weren't just upset that I wouldn't use the word boyfriends to describe us. You were upset about our relationship in general- that its not a faggy romance, with flowers and hearts and candy and restaurants and falling asleep on the phone together and walks on the beach, and all the other "relationship-y" things that I've never done with you, and wouldn't even know how to do if I tried. What was I supposed to say? That I'll try to fake being some Disney movie Prince Charming and give you a fairytale romance in the future? That it'll be all hearts and flowers from here on out? That just isn't me," Cartman said.

"I wasn't expecting you to change yourself into Mr. Hearts and Flowers, not that the occasional hearts and flowers or a dinner out wouldn't be nice, but I just wanted something, you know, like just some sort of an indication that you wanted to be with me outside the bedroom. Like that you wanted to be with me for something other than sex," I tell him.

"You thought I wanted to be with you just for SEX?" He asks incredulously.

"Um, what else, when we never went anywhere but my bedroom?" I ask.

"I can't even fucking believe I'm hearing this. You think this whole thing was just about SEX for me? Kahl, from when we were nine freaking years old, I knew you were it for me. I knew that I'd never be interested in anyone else but you, girl or guy, and I never have been. But because you hated me and we were supposed to be hating each other I had to hide it and pretend I felt nothing for you, and keep up the pretense of hating you, even though I was so obsessed with you that you were all I thought about. And then we got to high school and it was literally painful to be around you everyday, and I'd get boners from just looking at you, and to not be able to touch you or kiss you, and to know that I'd never want to be with anyone else, but that I'd never have a chance to be with you. And when I went away to college and law school I thought maybe being away from you for 7 years would help, you know maybe I'd meet someone else, or at least what I felt for you would lessen after not seeing you for so long. But it didn't fucking fade Kahl- not one bit. And when I took you onto the balcony at Token's party- Kahl, I couldn't help myself- I was literally shaking from holding myself back for so long, that I just kissed you- so at least in my whole lifetime I could look back and remember that I'd kissed you once, even if you kicked my ass afterwards, or told everyone I was gay, it would have been worth it just to know what it felt like. But you kissed me back Kahl, I didn't even know what to think. I didn't know why you were responding to me, what your reasons were, obviously I wasn't going to ask you because if you started thinking it through you'd probably realize you were out of your fucking mind to start something with me and end it on the spot, so I figured I'd ride out being with you as long as you wanted to be enemies with benefits with me. But I never expected it to last. I didn't have any delusions that it'd be a long term thing. I mean how could it be, when obviously you would realize at some point that you want a traditional sort of a guy and traditional sort of relationship. And then last week, when you told me you wanted things to be different, wanted a different sort of relationship, and that it was over, it was like a given. I mean I'd expected you to end it from the first day. So when you told me it was over, I knew I had to let you go, you know to be with Mark or whoever you chose, that would treat you in that faggy relationship-y flowers way that you want...but then last night when you called me, you drunkenly told me that you told Mark that you were still in love with me, and I knew I had to just get you here, so I could try again- that maybe if I told you all this, it could somehow change something? I mean, I thought you were with ME for the sex Kahl, but what you said last night, that changes everything," he says, looking at me hopefully.

"Cartman, in your bed, the first time we had sex, I knew you were the missing piece to everything, but then when I asked you last week, and it seemed like you didn't feel the same way, you know when it seemed like it was all just sex to you, I didn't know what to do without you. I didn't know how I could ever be with anyone else, when I'm supposed to be with you. That's just become more and more apparent the more I fail miserably at trying to get over you. Cartman, I am so in love with you, please let's never break up because of retarded shit like that again."

"Jew, trust me I'm never letting you go again."

"Promise?"

"Promise"

"Even if I do this?" I say smiling and I rip open Cartman's shirt. I have no idea why he hid his upper body for so long, it looks strong and sexy and all cuddly teddy bear-y. He is so fucking ridiculous for hiding it from me for so long. But then again this is Cartman, and that explains everything.

"You did NOT just do that! You are going DOWN Jew!"

"Is that a threat?" I ask him

"It's a promise."

"Then I better make good on it," I say with a smile, pushing him down on his bed.

"Not the bed Kahl! It's sacred!" He protests, sounding partially serious. Of course now that I want some friggin makeup sex, he wants to make dramatic romantic gestures.

"God you're such a drama queen, Cartman. Do you need me to pronounce us boyfriend and boyfriend so we can use your effing marital bed, dickwad?"

He smirks at me "If I'm a drama queen, then you're my little Jersey American Princess," he says pulling me onto his bed with him.

"Don't get any ideas about me being a Princess Bride."

"Don't be silly Kahl, if we ever did decide to run for faggiest couple in America and get married, obviously I would be the one in the dress."

"Would we live gay-ly ever after?"

"As long as you respect my authoritah!"

I never did end up respecting his authoritah. But we did live gayly ever after.

THE END


	9. Author's Note

Thank you to all you wonderful readers! I had initially had the entire story written out before publishing here, with the intent to publish a chapter a week, but after reading the last chapter countless times before the week I was supposed to put it up, I just didn't feel like it was up to snuff, so I've spent the last few months trying to work on it when I can, encouraged by all you reviewers. Hopefully it's better than I think it is, because I'm still not thrilled with it but I could be re-writing this thing forever, so finally I present to youuuuuuuuuuu Chapter 8! This is the longest story I've ever written, and the first I've ever completed thanks to the magic of Cartman and Kyle. I'm honored by all of you who story alerted, favorited, and favorite authored me, and of course you people who took the extra time to make my day with your reviews! Thank you Thank you Thank you! 


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